How To Overcome Toxic Shame

[TopicStarter]

The root cause of shame can be manifold; sometimes, it’s because others criticize you, and sometimes you are self-critical. And the results can be truly disastrous! 

At times, people take a look within themselves with a critical eye and feel ashamed about certain things. And more often than not, you do not have any control over these feelings. This may be a result of a childhood trauma when you were highly criticized by a caregiver or by your teachers. 

A lot of times, it is seen that toxic shame results from peer pressure and bullying that so many children and teenagers face in their day-to-day lives. If you have experienced this, you would know how utterly useless it can make one feel. It will always make a person believe that he or she is not good enough and that someone else is better than them. 

Trust me, shame is a powerful emotion and can give rise to a range of other negative feelings, like anger, embarrassment, and guilt. But there’s always a way to deal with difficult situations, and today I am here to tell you how to overcome this. So, let’s take a look. 

#1 Practice mindfulness: First of all, it is important that you are aware of the situations that make you experience toxic shame. Before you can start healing, you need to identify what causes this shame to arise. So, try talking to a close friend or a confidante about it- the more you bring it out in the open, the more confident you will feel about it. 

#2 Be compassionate towards yourself: More often than not, people experience toxic shame when others are over-critical of them. So, there’s no reason why you should do this to yourself. Cut yourself some slack, respond to your body, and take a little rest when needed. It is important to accept that you will not be the best in every field. Happiness comes from within, so be in charge of your own happiness.

#3 Nurture new relationships: Try to let go of the relationships that make you feel unwanted and ashamed. You can always seek new friendships where you would be valued and appreciated. For instance, you can join online and offline groups that help you find like-minded people.

Building new relationships would help in analyzing yourself better and will also enable you to find happiness in fostering new friendships. You will find help in the most unexpected places if you are open to new experiences. 

Have you had to overcome toxic shame? What steps did you take to get through it? 

[Emma]

I grew up with a mother who always made me feel like nothing I did was good enough and as I got older, I started doing it to myself. So much so, I will often give up on things without trying harder because I get it in my head that I will never be good enough at it. It sucks! I am going to try these tips and see if they help.

[Lana]

I was shamed in middle school one year, where another girl in my grade, decided to pants me during class once. And pretty much the whole class saw. They ended up suspending her for a few days, because I ended up telling my parents, they called the school and complained. I felt like an idiot, but I knew I wasn't in the wrong. Her friends tore into me for tattling, which made me feel more like crap. It took me years to understand that I was not in the wrong and that I had every right to tattle. 

I shouldn't have felt shame that day, but I did, and it was all because of one girl. She got in trouble, but it didn't stop her bullying when she got back. I eventually defended myself though and just clocked her in the nose when her and her friends were pushing me around. Funnily enough, we had class pictures, and she ended up having a swollen nose during her pictures. 

But yeah, shame doesn't have to last. 

[James]

On 9/6/2021 at 4:57 PM, Emma said:

I grew up with a mother who always made me feel like nothing I did was good enough and as I got older, I started doing it to myself. So much so, I will often give up on things without trying harder because I get it in my head that I will never be good enough at it. It sucks! I am going to try these tips and see if they help.

Emma you are good enough. I hope the tips help.

4 hours ago, Lana said:

I was shamed in middle school one year, where another girl in my grade, decided to pants me during class once. And pretty much the whole class saw. They ended up suspending her for a few days, because I ended up telling my parents, they called the school and complained. I felt like an idiot, but I knew I wasn't in the wrong. Her friends tore into me for tattling, which made me feel more like crap. It took me years to understand that I was not in the wrong and that I had every right to tattle. 

I shouldn't have felt shame that day, but I did, and it was all because of one girl. She got in trouble, but it didn't stop her bullying when she got back. I eventually defended myself though and just clocked her in the nose when her and her friends were pushing me around. Funnily enough, we had class pictures, and she ended up having a swollen nose during her pictures. 

But yeah, shame doesn't have to last. 

Got to love karma :). Those pictures last forever!